Things to NOT say to a pregnant person...

As more people find out about our precious little addition-to-be I find myself baffled at some of the comments people make. Since my fuse is significantly shorter than normal I am taking it upon myself to write a short how-to guide on how to talk to a pregnant person so I don't end up stabbing someone in the face with a mechanical pencil.

Let's start with what NOT to say and a brief description of why...

1. Do you know who the father is?/Who is the father? I think this one is pretty obvious. Not only is this quite possibly the rudest thing to say to someone but if you aren't close enough to know the answer to that question you certainly aren't close enough to be asking any sort of personal questions. 
2. Oh wow, what are you going to do? What do you mean what am I going to do? Would I be announcing a pregnancy if I was looking for a ride to the clinic? We aren't 18 with no education destined for a ruined life. I'm 27, a home owner, finishing up my PhD and in a loving and committed relationship wtf do you think I'm going to do? 
3. Yeah I can already see your face/belly/butt/etc getting bigger (or some variation). Yeah I can see that in you too but I'm pregnant so what's your excuse? Let's start with if you wouldn't say it to your fatty friend, don't say it to your pregnant friend. I already feel bloated and uncomfortable enough, there is no need for some insensitive asshat to come along and with a reminder of my expanding body. 
4. My (insert random person they know who had a baby) had a horrible complication and her (insert body part) never worked the same again. (Or some variation of this). Yes, that's exactly what a pregnant person wants to hear- stories about all the horrible complications that can happen. You going to start going off about the stats of deaths during labor next? I am already aware of all the horrible genetic things that can affect a pregnancy, I don't need you to remind me of my or my baby's possible death or mutilation. 
5. Yikes, your (insert body part) is going to get so big. So is your face after I smash it with this cinderblock. Refer to #3's answer. 
6. *If/when I suggest being social or going out for drinks* WHAAAAT?!?!? You can't drink! (Or in general "informing" me what I can/can't do). This one has to be my favorite, and by favorite the one that is most likely to set me off and ruin whatever acquaintance-ship we have. I think everyone (pregnant and non-pregnant included) know the big no-nos about pregnancy: no drinking, no smoking, no doing drugs etc. Just because I offer to be social or offer to buy a round of drinks or whatever does not mean I'm going to drink. I hardly drank when I went out before I got pregnant. A drink can be any liquid, it doesn't have to be alcoholic you neanderthal. Most importantly non-pregnant people, do you really think you know more about what can/can't happen than a pregnant person? Do you really think you are more well read than a newly pregnant-for-the-first-time person? Let me tell you something- unless you are an Ob, YOU AREN'T. You want to know what happens as soon as you find out you're pregnant? You obsessively search the internet until your eyes bleed looking for information, read "What to expect when you're expecting" cover to cover, get every single pamphlet from the doctor and YouTube every delivery video until you are in the fetal position crying in the corner of the shower. YOU DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN I DO. The fact that you even think you can come and tell me what I can and can't do is laughable and makes me want to break a chair on your head. STFU and don't talk to me. Idiots. Same goes for people who have children but had them years ago. Medicine has evolved unlike your knowledge base. 
7. Letting me know what I can expect in the coming weeks/trimesters. First of all, every pregnancy is different so you can't predict what mine will be like, secondly- see #6.
8. Don't touch the belly. Unless you put it in there (or are very close to the mom), you may not touch the belly. How would you feel if someone came up to you randomly and started rubbing your belly, especially if it's coupled with a "wow it's so big!" 
9. Any and all references to my appearance that are not positive. I didn't ask for your opinion so don't bother giving it.
10. Unsolicited advice. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

What is OK to say (or ask) to a pregnant person...

1. You look great! (Or any variation of)
2. You are handling this pregnancy so well! (Or any variation of)
3. Congratulations! (Or any variation of)
4. What has been your favorite part so far?
5. How far along are you? (And NOT follow up with any comment about how huge that friend will get considering she is only X weeks along)
6. When are you due? (And NOT follow up with any comment about how huge that friend will get considering she is only X weeks along)

I hope this cleared up any questions there may have been. Feel free to add to the "what not to say" portion if I missed one. These are the only ones I've experienced so far but I'm sure there are way more.